


Grey zone

by JauntyHako



Series: Asexual!Angels [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels are asexual by default, Demisexual!Gadreel, Every angel is alive, Frottage, Gadreel doesn't know how to deal with having sexual feelings, M/M, UA - universe alteration, ace!cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 06:09:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2955086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JauntyHako/pseuds/JauntyHako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When your whole species is asexual it's kinda hard to come to terms with the fact that you may or may not have the hots for one Winchester moose. Poor Gadreel always getting the short end of the stick. Or not, since, you know, Sam Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grey zone

**Author's Note:**

> Ace!Cas doesn't have much screentime in this one, but there's going to be a piece dealing with just him and Dean.  
> Meanwhile, enjoy!

Usually the Winchester brothers and Castiel left him alone when they had no need of him. Ever since his resurrection, he lived at the bunker, kept around to be watched closely for any slip-up. Where Gabriel and Lucifer, as depowered and human as Gadreel was, traveled the land, gaining information on the latest threat, he was never far from the brothers. Occasionally they allowed him to come with them on hunts. He felt their apprehension every time that happened. They would watch him, never trusted him with a weapon. Mostly he did research or called upon what memory he had of the monsters in the dark. They did not trust him to watch their backs in battle, and in the bunker they would avoid him.

Thus he reacted with surprise when Castiel sat down in the chair opposite him, hands in his lap. Gadreel looked up from the book he was translating for Sam, his hands very carefully not crumpling the pages. It couldn't be a hunt, the invitation he got for that was „Get in the car, angel“. Those hadn't come in a while now.

Castiel waited patiently for Gadreel to put his book aside and did not mention the extraordinarily long time he took to do so. Was Castiel to be the one to make him leave? Had they finally grown tired of him, realised how unworthy he was of their generosity? He must have made a mistake, something during the last hunt. Misinformation, wrong timing. A chore they expected him to do that he had missed. His heart beat faster. He couldn't remember what he had done wrong. How was he supposed to even begin making amends? How was he ever …

Only when they faced each other, quiet solemnity in Castiel's expression, silent terror in Gadreel's, did Castiel speak.

„Sam is concerned about your well-being and asked me to talk to you.“

Gadreel frowned.

„I don't understand. I am neither wounded nor ill.“

Only of course, that wasn't quite true. But there was still hope in the back of his mind, that no one knew. That this was an unrelated issue.

„As I understand, his concern relates more to your state of mind. Sam noticed you have been avoiding him specifically and any attempts at talking have failed. He wonders if he offended you in some way.“ The sigh of relief Gadreel let out did not go unnoticed by Castiel.

They didn't know. His behaviour had alarmed them but no one knew the reason. If only his words were weighed carefully, there was a chance he might come out of this undiscovered.

„I assure you, Sam has been nothing but kind to me.“ Gadreel said and used the excuse he had found the Winchester's to be falling back on regulary. „I just feel tired. There is nothing to worry about.“  
Whether or not Castiel believed him, he left it at that. At least he didn't pry, which was more than Gadreel had hoped for. If anyone ever found out, they would kill him.

 

Because fact was, he _was_ ill. Or something like it. At first Gadreel thought it was a side-effect from being resurrected. Something must have gone wrong, some part reassembled incorrectly. Now, whenever he looked at Sam Winchester, he felt _things,_ where before had been only the universal love of angels and affection for the one person to ever stand up for him. He could not name these new urges and dared not venture deep enough into this abyss to find the words. 

He shut it away, ignored the symptoms. When Sam reached out to touch him he dodged. He made excuses, kept his distance. Sam could not ever know, not with their relationship as rocky as it was. Neither brother had forgiven him for killing the prophet. He was being kept around to assist with hunts and research, not for socialising. Certainly not for them to deal with his devious wants.

 

For a while, his efforts at keeping hidden seemed enough. He made a habit of distributing his attention carefully among the brothers and Castiel. And even though his stomach turned whenever Sam touched him –  _Great job with that banshee_ _he would say and pat him on the shoulder –_ he never flinched. 

 

 

After a few weeks, though, it all came crashing down.

„No, Gabriel, you can't team up with one of us. Why? Seriously? You and Lucifer are the only ones who know enough about this monster to recognise its tracks. I would be no help at all. Besides, I have better things to do.“

Gadreel raised his brows at Sam who just rolled his eyes and pointed at the phone. This wasn't the first time Gabriel called to complain at length about being stuck with Lucifer on a road trip. Everytime he threatened to break off the hunt to „go home to Kali, because at least she treats me right“. He never did, though. Gadreel took up a seat opposite Sam, listening amused to Sam's part of the conversation.

„What? No. No. How do you even think you can do this alone? You're depowered, Gabriel. Yeah, I know, so is Lucifer but at least you can save each other's butts when it comes down to it. Oh come on, don't be childish. Of course he would.“

Sam's jaw slacked, eyes went wide in mortification.

„Gabriel, _no_. No, I don't want to hear this. I _don't_. It's not my problem if he won't cuddle with you and I don't _care_ what else you're doing. Yeah, nothing my ass. If you send me one more pornclip with you in it, I swear, I'll …“

After a minute or two more of exasperated swearing, Sam hung up, slumping back into the chair.

„That took an interesting turn.“ Gadreel commented, not entirely able to hide the laughter from his voice.

Sam blinked at him, smiling despite himself.

„I swear, he gets more obnoxious every time he calls. Sometimes I'm surprised it's not Lucifer who's calling close to a nervous breakdown. He seems to handle Gabriel's moods well, though.“

„He has the patience of only one who has endured hell.“ Gadreel said, which prompted a laugh from Sam.

„And he'll need that patience. It doesn't sound like they're any closer to this grey eminence than a week ago. What brings you here, anyway?“

„Just this translation.“ Gadreel said, raising the book he had in his hands. „It reveals new insight about the nature of demons and I assumed you'd want to know.“

„Yeah, of course. Show me.“

Sam got up and sat down right next to him, already fully concentrated on the book.

Gadreel tried not to let it affect him, Father forgive him, he tried. But everytime Sam's hand brushed over his, every time his breath ghosted over his neck, it sent shivers through him like snow, driven into his skin by sharp winds.

He took deep, controlled breaths as he guided Sam through the translation. It was an old Enochian dialect, so ancient even he could not remember all its subtleties. Complicated enough that it temporarily distracted him from his torment. That was, until Sam nudged his shoulder, a concerned look on his face.

„Hey, are you alright? You look a bit flushed. You're not coming down with a fever, are you?“  
And then, to Gadreel's endless horror he pressed their foreheads together. It send a spike through him that felt almost like pain. He scrambled up, knocked over the lamp in the process.   
„Gadreel?“ Sam asked confused. His eyes wide. His mouth slightly opening, glistenig from where he had licked it.  
„I'm sorry. I'm sorry ...“ Gadreel pleaded and fled.

He was dimly aware of passing Castiel in the hallway. Heard the echo of someone calling his name. It was barely audible over the sound of his door shutting close, the blood rushing in his ears.

He had never locked the door to his room before, felt it inappropriate to deny the brothers access to parts of their own home. Now he did. His racing heart slowed down almost as soon as he heard the lock click. Just the knowledge that no one could come in, no one could see him like this, reassured him.

He leaned against the door, willing himself to calm. This had been a stupid thing to do. Fleeing like that, of course they would know something was wrong with him. There had to be something he could say to throw them off. Something …

A hesitant knock forced him out of his thoughts.

„Gadreel?“

It was Castiel. It was at least better than Sam knocking on his door. Marginally better.

„Please leave me, brother. I am not feeling well.“

Gadreel thought about the distinct possibility of Castiel rolling his eyes to the door. A habit Dean had taught him all too well.

„I am aware. Everyone in the bunker is aware. You have been acting strange for some time now.“

There was nothing to say to that. Trying to cover up his condition had not been easy, nor, as it seemed, unnoticed.

„Gadreel, brother. If there is something wrong, it is important that we know.“

 

He didn't want to talk about this. He wanted all this to just go away, wanted to love Sam like he was supposed to, not have it tainted with  _this_ . He wanted to be close to Sam without having to fear his reactions, without the gnawing desire in him. But Castiel could be remarkably stubborn if he wanted to.

„Brother, please. We are all concerned for you.“

Gadreel sighed. There was no chance he was getting around this. He unlocked the door and let Castiel in, head hung in shame. His brother did not force the subject. He waited with the patience of a stone for anything Gadreel might have to say.

Gadreel, who had no idea how to convey what troubled him, found himself talking nonetheless.

„You know I feel deeply for Sam.“ he began, searching for the right words even as he spoke.

„I know. Has something happened between the two of you? Has Sam rejected your affections?“

If only. But Sam, knowing about Gadreel's feverish declarations of devotion in the first weeks after his resurrection, battling sickness and the frailty of his human body, had never mentioned it. Never once gave his opinion whether or not he reciprocated his love.

„No such thing. It's …“  
He couldn't say it. Not while Castiel, good, exemplary, perfect Castiel, looked at him like a worried parent. He turned away, ruffled his hair and found once again it brought him some measure of peace. Castiel gave him his time, knew that whatever had a sentry of the Heavenly Host rattled was no small measure.

„I feel sexual sensation.“

There, it was out. No taking it back now. Maybe it was for the better. Instead of going away these feelings had been getting worse. Perhaps it was better he left before it got too bad.

He didn't expect Castiel wanting to touch him after his admission. The hand on his shoulder felt warm, secure.

„This is … not unheard of, Gadreel. Even among angels.“

„It's not natural.“  
„It is among humans.“

„ _I'm not human_.“, Gadreel spat, turning around to face Castiel. „I shouldn't feel carnal lust, I shouldn't _want_. This desire is overwhelming and it won't go away, I can't control it and it's  driving me mad. How can Sam feel safe around me when there's this, this _thing_ inside me that wants nothing more than to … to … _ugh_.“ He threw his hands up, fed up with everything and everyone. Not even his own body would obey him fully anymore, how was he supposed to take control of anything else?

„You are afraid one day you won't be able to control yourself anymore.“ Castiel said. Gadreel nodded defeated and sank down onto the bed.

„That won't happen, brother. Many humans are sexual and they handle it fine.“

Gadreel shot him a look, which caused Castiel to elaborate his point.

„Maybe not _all_ of them. But the point is, it _can_ be controlled. Sam and Dean both have sexual desires and neither of them would ever harm another because of it. Dean has never expressed a wish to sleep with me, even though he continues to find me sexually appealing. It's not bad to desire.“  
„Easy for you to say.“ Gadreel mumbled. „You're normal. You're not _wrong_ like I am.“  
„There's nothing wrong with you.“

Gadreel froze. That voice was not Castiel's. He thought he had closed the door behind him. But Sam was there, Sam stood in the doorframe and  _he had heard everything._

„Sam, I … I can explain, it's not what you think, this …“  
„You don't need to explain.“

Castiel left the room with a nod to Sam, leaving the two alone. Gadreel keeping still like the tiniest movement would rip apart all the seams he had worked so hard at keeping closed. Sam sat down next to him, and, after flailing his hands a bit, put his arm around Gadreel's back.

„There is _nothing_ wrong with you.“ Sam implored him, voice soft but sure. Like this Gadreel could almost believe him.

„Angels don't feel like this. I shouldn't feel like this. This has never happened before.“

Sam looked thoughtful, considering Gadreel's words.

„You only feel this way for me?“

„Yes.“ he admitted.

„Since when? You said it never happened before. So it wasn't while we, uh, shared bodies?“  
„No. Only since we started hunting.“

„And what exactly do you feel? Give me details.“  
Gadreel's face burned hot with embarrassment. Even the thought of displaying his desires seemed impossible. But Sam didn't judge. He would listen. And if there was something wrong with him, Sam would help him fix it. So he laid himself bare. Spoke about a deep desire to touch Sam, to feel his hair between his hands, his skin under his fingers. He wanted to be close to this man, wanted more of the heat Sam managed to put through him with a single touch. There were things he wanted he could not even name, undefinable impressions.

When he finished, eyes firmly fixed on his lap. He didn't dare look at Sam. Even though he still had his arm around his shoulder, had even begun rubbing soothing circles on his arm.

„Okay. Listen to me. You listening?“

„Yes, Sam.“

„Good. Here's what: There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. I feel like that. Dean does. Sometimes we look at a person and we wanna fuck 'em.“

Gadreel bit his lip to keep from chuckling. Sam usually didn't use any word stronger than 'hell'. Perhaps it was an effort to release tension. If so, it worked. „And it just so happens that maybe I want to fuck you a little, too. It's okay to be attracted to other people. Emotionally, sexually, however you like. Got that message?“

Gadreel swallowed.

„Yes, Sam.“  
„Want to try this whole sexual thing out? We can stop whenever you want. And if you decide it's nothing for you after all, that's okay.“

He did. More than anything else did he want to be with Sam. _It's not wrong_ , he told himself, _Sam said he feels the same way._

„Yes, I want to. But Sam, I …“

„If the next words out of your mouth aren't: _Sam, I fully accept myself as I am and apologise for keeping secrets even though I should know I can trust you._ I don't want to hear it.“

It took him a bit to work through that sentence. By the time he had, Sam had raised his chin to face him. Only when their breaths mingled with each other, the heat of Sam's lips so stark they burned his own, did he realise what was happening. Never before had the desire been so strong. It should have made him feel helpless as it had before. But Sam's hands lay on his hips, his mouth a solid fact that kept him in the here and now. It was like drowning, his mind only kept aloft by Sam's warmth, Sam's body against his, _Sam._ A helpless little gasp escaped him which only spurred Sam on more. His hands wandered, found Gadreel's hair, his nape, clutched at his back through the fabric of his shirt.

Pulling and pushing, their breaths heavy with too little air and too much desire, they ended up with Gadreel lying halfway across the bed, Sam over him, his hair tickling his cheeks.

„You have no idea how long I wanted to do that.“ Sam said, resting his head against Gadreel's collarbone. He was glad for the short respite, feared his heart might give out if it got any further. He still hadn't processed all the implications of what had just happened. All he was certain of was that Sam was still here, still touching him, still being fond of him, even though he knew how he felt.

„Gadreel, I can _hear_ you brooding.“ Sam said and shot him a look of mock accusation. „Stop thinking. This feels good, right?“

„Yes, but …“  
„You want to continue?“

„Yes, but …“  
His next words were smothered by another kiss, this one deeper and warmer than the ones before. Sam's tongue met his own and with one upward shove of his hips Gadreel got the definite proof that Sam felt very much the same as he did at the moment.

„It's okay, Gadreel. Let go. And for god's sake, _touch_ _me_.“

The pure desperation in Sam's plea made Gadreel moan and reach down to cup Sam's ass in his hands and squeeze. They were both hard, rubbing against each other, while Sam stroked his entire body, everywhere at once. He tried to mimic Sam's touch as much as he could, tried to find the spots on Sam's body that sent sparks flying through his own.

„Feel good?“  
He could do nothing but nod frantically, wave after wave of heat crashing through him. It robbed him of his breath, made him light-headed. He felt Sam tug off his pants with practiced ease, until they were both in their briefs, their cocks rubbing together.

„Sam … Sam ...“ Gadreel gasped, helpless, not knowing what he wanted. Sam bit at his neck, his tongue licking over the spot, his lips worrying the skin around it. His hands found their way into Sam's hair, pulling and urging him to continue. Sam's hips stuttered in their movement, a low groan at his ear and suddenly it was all too much, too much to handle, too much ...

 

It took Gadreel five full minutes to get his breath back. He still lay on his back, Sam now next to him, breathing just as hard. His hair was mussed, his cheeks flushed and both their pants still hung around somewhere around their knees. Around the same time he noticed Sam's dazed grin he realised he wore the same expression. He had never been this relaxed in his entire life.

There probably had to be a talk in the near future. About how things stood between them, how to deal with being sexual long-term. If it was always like that. Gadreel didn't think about that too much. Not when Sam pulled them fully onto the bed, limbs tangled together, sharing each other's warmth. For now, it was good.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm having at least two other plotlines in my head that take place in the same context. There is one thing that will probably have around the same length as this piece dealing with Ace!Cas and Dean and not having sex for the sake of the non-ace part of the relationship. And then there's a larger thing that I want to write about Ace!Lucifer and Ace!Gabriel, road tripping the country, working through their issues and being all lovey-dovey-I'm-gonna-kill-you-if-you-don't-stop-fondling-me, which Gabriel will totally do because he thinks it's funny to piss Lucifer off as much as possible.


End file.
